The real interview with Klaus Wuestefeld Not one to be outdone by any old fake news sites (tss, I’m onto you!) I decided to interview Klaus Wuestefeld of prevayler fame. He’s a pretty interesting guy, and I am for one am impressed with his brand of truth, honesty, and telling it like it really, really is. So without further ado, here’s a rushed transcript:
BB: Who are you, Klaus?
KW: I am a noncomformist. I like to walk around naked and scare little girls, to encourage them to think out of the box. Many people will no longer employ me or have anything to do with me, but I have recently conned those poor db4o bastards into handing me some of their money.
BB: Klaus, please tell us about Prevayler and its goals.
KW: Prevayler is like having sex with thoughtworks developers. At first, you are unclear on who is sticking it to who, and the exact number of orifices involved. Prevayler, like the sex, doesn’t have much of a goal or end in sight, it’s more about breaking free of conventional sexual activities and learning to love taking it up the dirtbox for an indeterminable length of time. It is also unavoidable because prevayler is, at this point, practically an Act of God, and you WILL use it, whether you know it or not, technical considerations be damned.
BB: How are brazilians and the foreign public considering this project?
KW: I’m very lucky to have found a group of java developers that seem to be completely and utterly braindamaged. I used to worry that Brazilians might be intelligent and wise java developers, but given how well they have adopted Prevayler, it’s clear to me that they’re the perfect idiot centre for my gibberish. The other country where I am successful is Germany. The reason for this is because of strict laws, it is impossible to ever fire anyone in Germany. Thus, developers can use prevayler and nothing bad will ever happen. Sadly the rest of the world lacks either of these crucial criteria (idiocy, unfirability) in order for them to adopt Prevayler instantly.
BB: Does the prevalence concept still scare people?
KW: I once saw a grown man put his hands into his underwear, puff and pant for a minute or two, then pull out a perfectly formed if somewhat smudged brown log. He then held it aloft while solemnly proclaiming, ‘this is prevalence’. He was not afraid, and his tone suggested he understood how important this concept is. I am confident. Sometimes though I worry that I will get cancer because of all the lies and exaggerations I have told.
BB: Changing to more technical questions, what advantages will Java 1.5 bring to developers who use Prevayler?
KW: It will be brilliant. Let me give you an analogy, which will help spell out my exact thoughts on the technical issue. Imagine there is a man in the street. He wants to cross the street, but the traffic light is red. He then waits until it is green, then crosses. Who is the man? Why is he in the street? You see, Java 1.5’s role is the chicken in that story.
BB: Is there anything new planned for Prevayler 3?
KW: The most amazing new feature of prevayler 3 will be that it will be based on the pure power of thoughts. Everyone is currently tied to the idea of using some kind of persistence, but I want to encourage people to think outside the box. The persistence myth is a cancer that is slowly eating at the heart of javaland. Prevayler 3 will be the first persistence API that breaks out of this mold. It will be so simple that it will consist of ZERO classes. That’s right, ZERO. All the data you need to store will simply have to be remembered by the user, and pulled out when needed. Of course, the query API is built in, you can just use natural language to ask the ‘store’ to pull out any data.
BB: Any final thoughts?
KW: I am a prophet sent by the god ungudungu to preach his holy message of poovaylance. My god has deserted me however and so I have now assumed the godhead. I am a deity, worship me! KNEEL BEFORE ME AND PARTAKE OF MY CREAMY WISDOM! HEAR ME ROAR! GIBBERGIBBERFLIBBLE! NOOO, NO SQL! WOM WOM WOM MEEEEP BLIPBLIPPRRRTHHH PAAAARP…(transcript cut off as it’s rather hard to record the sound of all orifices firing)
BB: Indeed. Thank you for your time.